Creating a Strong Bond With Your Teenager

By: Sandra Cooper, CNP, CNM • Posted on July 08, 2024

Creating Bonds with a Teen in Your Life

How did this happen? A beloved child that has often wanted to spend time with you is now rolling their eyes at the thought of being in the same space to have a conversation. This can be a challenging journey for teens and the adults who love them. There are ways to help create bonds that can be satisfying to both teens and adults.

According to Erik Erikson’s theory of personal development, adolescence is a stage of identity versus confusion. During this time, a teen “explores their independence and develops a sense of self.” Teens are trying to navigate their bodily, emotional and mental changes as well as their sense of belonging amongst their peers. This is no easy task as they continue their journey into adulthood. As teens begin to experiment with their role into adulthood, we as adults need to step back and allow them some latitude to do so. When they test the waters and succeed, they build confidence and autonomy. When they fail, we can be there to support them and ask how they might approach a similar situation differently.

One of the last parts of the brain to develop is the frontal cortex. This typically occurs in the early 20’s. This part of the brain is responsible for executive function which controls planning, prioritizing and impulse control. It is not unusual for teens to have mood swings or engage in risky behaviors. Although this all sounds daunting, there are many ways to use your confidence, wisdom and intentionality to forge a stronger bond with your teen.

Tips for Talking with your Teen and Building a Strong Relationship

• Put down the phone. The next time you are out to dinner or sitting in a public place, notice how many people are on their cell phones. Also, notice how many families are not engaged with one another but staring at their devices. According to JAMA Pediatrics, teens utilize screens like tablets, computers, cell phones and smart watches approximately seven hours per day. This is outside the use for schoolwork. 
  
  High screen use is associated with depression, less sleep and less time to explore the world and solve problems. It can also be an escape which means less time interacting with adults. When we all put down our screens, we notice the world around us and the people that are near us. Utilizing face to face communication builds bridges, supports better interpersonal communication and improves mental health.
   
• Be curious. Ask your teen about their interests. Teens are not the only ones that appreciate that curiosity. We all enjoy talking with someone who sincerely likes to know more about our interests. It is not necessary to share the same interests, but you may find you appreciate your teen’s engagement in a particular interest. 
   
• Use open ended questions instead of ones that require a yes or no answer. For instance, “Tell me about ….” This can be useful for teens that are reluctant to talk. 
   
• Engage their friends. Engaging friends of your teen the same way can show that you are caring and compassionate. When the friend engages with you it can demonstrate to your teen of your willingness to get to know their friends. 
   
• Find a ritual or habit that you both enjoy. Perhaps getting ice cream after a game was a ritual from childhood that your teen would like to sever. But you can agree on a new one, like a dinner spot or coffee house after a game. Long distance car rides can be a great opportunity to engage. Remember long silences do not have to be uncomfortable. Perhaps you both can relax in the shared space knowing that you are with one another. Conversation can be organic and not forced when you occupy the same space for a considerable amount of time. 
   
• Active listening is important with teens. Teens can withhold sharing their thoughts or feelings if they think you will respond angrily or give them a lecture. One way to show active listening is the saying, “What I hear you saying is….” Take some time to think about your response. Let your teen know you’ll get back to them. This shows a serious consideration for your teen. 

You and your teen will get through this. You managed to progress to adulthood and so will they. Most of their life will be spent as an adult. We can all work toward making the rockiness of this journey a little smoother.

Be Strong, Be Healthy, Be in Charge!

Sandra Cooper, APRN/CNP
Center for Functional Medicine
Wellness & Preventive Medicine Department

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